An unfamiliar noise in the night, an argument with a loved one, an assignment or task you know will be late, a storm on the horizon.... These, to me are manageable kinds of fears. There is the element of the unknown creating the fear yet nothing so great that your breath remains shallow or chill-bumps don't fade. This morning I wake; and it's day five of my dad hospitalized and what I knew from yesterday is that rather than improving, he was moved to ICU. I'm greater than one thousand miles away physically, I don't know how he is doing and this is a different kind of fear.
My "what ifs" this morning are profound and disturbing. Do the ones in my life whom I love with a fierceness really know that? Have I said it? Have I shown it? Am I a decent human being? My reflection is as somber as the rain that falls as I write. And my fear sits stoically with me asking not if I am loved enough, but have I loved enough.