Monday, August 19, 2013


An unfamiliar noise in the night, an argument with a loved one, an assignment or task you know will be late, a storm on the horizon.... These, to me are manageable kinds of fears.  There is the element of the unknown creating the fear yet nothing so great that your breath remains shallow or chill-bumps don't fade.  This morning I wake; and it's day five of my dad hospitalized and what I knew from yesterday is that rather than improving, he was moved to ICU. I'm greater than one thousand miles away physically, I don't know how he is doing and this is a different kind of fear.

My "what ifs" this morning are profound and disturbing.  Do the ones in my life whom I love with a fierceness really know that?  Have I said it?  Have I shown it?  Am I a decent human being?  My reflection is as somber as the rain that falls as I write.  And my fear sits stoically with me asking not if I am loved enough, but have I loved enough.



  1. Kerstin, just now catching up on your wonderful writing and sorry to hear about your Dad. This is now 10 days later....and I hope he is home now and doing well. Sending my love and prayers.

    1. Thanks for your kind words, love, and prayers! He is doing much better; now in transitory care nearer to home for physical therapy to regain strength. Hopefully, he will be back home full time within a couple of weeks.