Friday, May 9, 2014

scattered but ready

Tonight I find myself looking back over my day - full of making sure I have life's details worked out as an individual, a wife, and a parent (I'm leaving for my solo/1st camino in 5 days time) and I'm feeling so scattered!  It's not 'like' me to feel like this.  I want to (& I imagined I would) feel prepared, confident, and peaceful at this point - yet I find I am worrying about minutia.....will the plants get a drink of water, will the icky things get cleared out of the nether regions of the refrigerator while I'm well as the profound; have I left myself time and space not for packing and weighing and worrying, but for spiritual reflection and guidance before I begin the physical and emotional journey I'm so close to getting started on?  Like a dream in which I've prepared for a big moment, only to find that I've taken the spotlight in my undies....I'm feeling vulnerable.

It's funny how I can stress about what will be out of my control at home while I'm away- yet still have not have purchased a train ticket from Paris to St Jean Pied de Port on Thursday and I think that'll work itself out.  

Scattered yet ready- Kerstin.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

invisibility is underrated

A physically beautiful person, a lovely sunrise or sunset, a magnificent piece of art, amazing architecture, the allure of fresh flowers, a peacock that is gloriously a-courting..... I am grateful for so many things that capture my attention and heighten my senses just for the sake of being beautiful. Yet there is a contrast, a crossroads, a sanctuary or a prison, and when everything lines up just right - a secret and magical place:  that space where one can operate silently and thoroughly and for how short or how long it takes, yet attract no attention.  At nearly 50 with no makeup and my hair in a tie on my head I can operate in that space of invisibility and learn an entirely new story about who I am inside and who I am in relationship to the world.  

Today the story had a happy ending for me.  I began by feeling invisible - I needed help.  Not HUGE help - just retail help as I gathered bits & pieces of gear for my camino.  By outward appearances I fit neither the fit-at-forty-nine-and you're-amazing-so-I'll-help-you look, or the I-don't-have-a-clue-what-I'm-doing look....I was just plain and simple invisible to anyone who might've had the knowledge or desire to assist me.  As I tried on several backpacks and read the literature attached to each one and then used my smart phone to quickly refresh my mind by reading through reviews I had already read  - I began to get fearful then slightly angry that 1) in spite of all of my research, I was still under-confident about my choice and 2) NO ONE CAME TO HELP.  

Well, poor fu*kin' me.  Who is doing this anyhow - them?  The ones who didn't come to help me?  Nope.  (This is for my daughter who'll eventually read this)  "Postura".  It's a word I learned shortly after she turned 18 and had it tattooed on her wrist to remind herself that her attitude determines the quality of each moment in her life as well as her entire life.

In my cloak of invisibility I had a fight  discussion nice visit with myself and my fears - and had to examine then adjust my s*itty attitude in order to complete my tasks with love for myself and for anyone who didn't appear to help me.  I had a funny cartoon thought in my head, imagining that I am at a fork on the path sometime over the next several weeks wondering which to take - waiting on 'customer service' to assist me in my decision..... and, again, I am aware that my journey has begun before I've left my first footprint on the Camino Frances.  Postura, indeed.

Sometimes being invisible is the most direct route from self-pity to glorious consciousness.  And. that. is. beautiful. too.

May I be peaceful, may I be well.  May you be peaceful, may you be well. <3