Monday, September 1, 2014

engaging vs ego

I was with friends the other night; some I know well and see often, others that I know less and see occasionally.  One of the women was asking me about my pilgrimage and we talked about solitude and communal living, blisters and beauty, etc., and then attending masses at the cathedrals along the way - and was I catholic?  I began to talk about my experiences not only of just visiting many of the cathedrals, but attending mass as well every now and then as I walked.

I said that no, I wasn't catholic, but in spite of not understanding their worship AND not understanding the language at all (nearly every mass I attended was in latin), I none the less perhaps understood my emotions and my reactions to the deep and powerful love of the One better than I ever had because I didn't know what was being said; I listened with my heart.  I went on to say that perhaps each of us would benefit from worshipping somewhere in which we don't understand the language of what is going on.  That way, in my experience, at least, I was free to allow my heart to open up and receive love and joy and feel so very, very grateful without worrying about the 'rules', the 'sins', the more sinister side of worship.  A dear friend commented then that he felt that I had just shared my most profound experience yet with regards to my pilgrimage.

I've been thinking about that since; not so much the topic we were discussing, more so the unique position of having an experience that is very profound and inherently solitary - and the great need for other human beings to hear the stories shared by those who have had those experiences.  We want to know the hearts of others, we want to be comforted by stories of experiences that we long to have ourselves.  We want to share in the joy and the pain, uphold, support, and imagine ourselves having those experiences, too.  I wouldn't say that I'm shy or holding back - but when I share my ego is both helpful and harmful; I want to be interesting and enlightening and this sort of realization that others want to hear about it feels different and well, intimidating I guess.

This gives me pause, I am delighted to share my experiences when they arise naturally and comfortably inside of a conversation and I am reserved about sharing because I want to talk or have another's attention...  So many have commented to me in many different ways, but it's all the same; when will you write your book?  The idea of writing a book has it's appeal in some ways - it's more comfortable for me to write rather than talk about my experiences and reactions sometimes.  The idea also holds hundreds of excuses/reasons why I wouldn't write a book.  The foremost is that I'm afraid it would be terribly boring much of the time.

I'm going to continue to blog when my heart is moved to do so, I feel that I'm sharing bits and pieces that are hopefully interesting or provocative or at least shed a tiny bit of light on the experience of doing your own pilgrimage; we'll see about a book, heh.

Love  yourselves -
Love each other -
Love y'all -