expectations

I awoke at first light this morning; my mind had somehow slipped into gear before my other sleep-drugged senses and started the process of becoming conscious.  There is that space if I am aware (and I suppose when I'm not aware) that holds profound thoughts and questions.  Lying in bed this morning my thought was 'what if I've gone through all of the things that I'm expecting to find on the Camino de Santiago before I even get there' and therefore it's not necessary?  Will I walk the 500 miles anyhow?  Will there be more to learn?

I find that I become aware of moments and flashes of insight at the strangest times, doing an activity that is not remotely attached to deep thinking per se, yet I suppose each moment is a moment of life and therefore equally as apt to provide.  It's of note to me that where some whom I love feel that they are closer to God when they are in a building designated as a Church; I willfully sit with God for a moment each morning on my front porch and I feel as if I am sitting with a dear, funny and wise friend - but it wasn't always that way.  We find what we expect to find where we expect to find it, yet years ago I found God quite unexpectedly here on my porch where I am writing this morning and am delighted to know that He sits with me each morning.  I have learned to expect my morning conversations with God; I expect that God will walk with me across Spain too.

As I prepare my body and mind for my pilgrimage I sometimes feel the sharp stab of fear, that pointed blade that catches my breath and briefly alters my heartbeat.  Avoiding fear is as natural as breathing for a human being.  My hope as I walk is that I will come to know some of that fear as places deep inside of me that once explored will no longer hold me hostage to their mysterious presence.  I expect to find that I am capable of loving myself in whole just as I am able to love a dear friend.  I will find that clumsiness is endearing, gracefulness is inspiring, frankness is refreshing, and wandering is not a thing to judge.  We fear we are not good enough; yet I expect to find enough.