conflict

Conflict is ubiquitous in our lives.  Big ways and small ways, short ways and long ways, it's a constant hum in the space of human existence.  Should I sleep a little longer; I'll be late.  I should say I'm sorry; I'm still mad.  I want another glass of wine; I might have a headache in the morning.  Too many calories; I really want that dessert.  I want to be friends again; my feelings are still hurt.  It goes on in every area of life.

I wrote and sent a letter to a woman I've been estranged from for several years ago today.  I wanted to say 'sent a letter to a friend' in my last sentence, yet I don't know if that is true today.  I still have a refrigerator magnet stuck to the door that she gave to me several years ago that says, " you'll always be my friend, I know all of your secrets".  I don't know why we fell away from each other- but I will confess that she was a package deal, and I suffered the other component of the package - never having the cajones to ask for precisely what I wanted; just time with her.  So, I guess it was my decision to stray from caring for that relationship the way a person needs to in order to keep a friendship.  I'm nervously hoping that we might reconnect, and nervously wondering how I will handle the 'package' if that happens.  Conflict.

This past weekend, wrapped in the warm embrace of long friendship, at the beach and away from day-to-day I found myself considering straying from my goal of my Camino next summer.  Not straying forever, just for a little bit - perhaps altering my plans to accommodate a getaway with a group of beautiful women that I've grown up with who will all turn 50 next year.  Today I finished reading 'To The Field of Stars' by Kevin A. Codd; a memoir of a priest's camino.  I cried through the last few pages, and again, could - in detail - see myself walking the pilgrimage.  Conflict.

The importance to me of a spiritual pilgrimage; self examination, tears, joy, awakening, enlightenment and reflection will never have a 'right' time.  Religion has been a second thought for a lot of my adult life -but spirituality has not. It continues to move closer and closer to the prominent thought, the prominent path, and I feel very little conflict in the journey of seeking humility, grace, understanding, peace, compassion, love and joy. No conflict.

I'm not 'un-conflicted' by writing tonight.  I'm not sure what my ultimate search is for as I write about conflict.  I do feel a bit more peace through examining why I am where am tonight.

God bless everyone, no exceptions.
Kerstin