processing

I didn't know if I would want to blog or not during the course of walking hiking across Spain.  Turns out that I didn't; want to or do it.  Since I've been back I've felt a little gnawing pressure for my small handful of followers to blog. here. and say something very profound.  Here's the thing; I'm still processing.  The pressure lies in the ability to write a book based on the amount of stories and reflections that are now filling my spirit, soul, memory and heart; or to attempt to write a succinct and satisfying epilogue.  Blogging isn't for book-writing.

1. Love.  Love. Love.
2. Human beings are the kindest, most amazing creatures I know.
3. Human beings are the neediest, most-complaining creatures I know. *saving for a different post*
4. Were it not for the selfless kindness of human beings, I'm not sure that I would've completed the camino.  (See #1)

Inside of my experience on the Camino Frances my two major take-aways are these:  an open spirit of love (as in spirituality, faith, hope & belief ) is never not there - it's omnipresent, and the very, very best of human nature is most vivid when giving selflessly and fearlessly and allowing yourself to genuinely and fearlessly receive from others.  All of the other shit just. doesn't. matter. that. much.

In the past I've written that I am a very spiritual woman, but not a very religious woman.  It's still evident to me after visiting many astoundingly beautiful, tear-provoking cathedrals and attending masses that my ears didn't understand yet my heart understood completely, that I fall solidly in the belief that world-over what we want; what the Search is for, what we say we believe in, is one and the same.  At the risk of sounding sacrilegious,  Fuck the Rules.  God is everywhere, no matter what He or She is called,  and nowhere is it more obvious than in one's own heart.  I'm ascending and ascending and ascending and my pack is painfully heavy, my blister-riddled feet want nothing more than to go home to the USA, and I'm feeling past the point of being able to carry on .... and then I come out of a curve in the trail to a lovely bench in the middle of nowhere.  Shoes and socks come off, I happily wiggle my toes....in minutes all is right again and I'm strong and I'm capable and I'm beautiful.  Every time something similar to that happened on my journey it made me smile and giggle out loud.  My heart smiled.  Love resides within.  Love gave me countless experiences and gifts that made me feel like I could keep on going.  I believe in Love.

I was about two and a half weeks into my pilgrimage, and having a particularly challenging day.  My body hurt, it was cold, it rained off and on, the wind blew, I walked alone and my heart was heavy.  My pack felt heavy, too.  I approached a small village; so small that there wasn't a tienda (small store), a cafe, a bar....but there was a sign for a private alberque '200 meters' off the trail.  I followed the signs to the alberque and read the hand written sign on the door; open at 14:30 for peregrines.  It was almost 13:00 and I had walked around 19 kilometers so far.  I sat on a wet bench for a few minutes after I removed my rain poncho and my pack.  I decided I could walk four more kilometers to the next village in the same time I would wait so I put my pack back on and did my awkward rain poncho moves to get that back on over my pack and I set off.  Soon I was out of the village.  I came around a curve in the trail and stared down a long, steep descent.  I stood there for awhile just contemplating my current level of pain.  The I turned around and went back to the bench.  I added a kilometer for that nonsense.

When the door was opened (& it was a little before 14:30) I paid for my bed, removed my boots and poncho in the small entry room walled on three sides and blanketed on the fourth, I was invited through the blankets to the coziest, coolest, most comforting private living room.  Then he led me through their kitchen/dining room to a back room that had exactly 10 beds, a fire-heater, and a coed bathroom with two showers, one sink, one laundry sink a three commodes.  I chose a bed, showered, got my journal and a pen a returned to the table in the dining room.  I asked for a beer - 1 Euro, and a cup of tea - donativo - and I sat down with those three things and I began to weep.  His wife entered and looked into my eyes with most kind expression hers.  I apologized for the tears that were entirely out of my control.  She smiled, touched my arm gently, and told me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be; tears and all.  She didn't try to fix anything, and she was so comfortable with my emotion.  She gave me her Love, and for once in my life, I accepted it gracefully.

That afternoon my senses were caressed by incense, by soothing music, by coloring my very own mandala and as the afternoon wore on, a handful of peregrines made their way into this magical oasis and we shared dinner together st the one table in the home in spite of five different languages.  I was sad to say goodbye to that Love the next morning, even as I was better prepared than I had been before that experience for my pilgrimage.

That's two small stories.  I have more, and maybe I'll share them as the days unfold.  If you're reading this because you're scouring the internet (as I did before my pilgrimage) for whatever you can find on doing your own camino - please don't take my words as gold nuggets, instead, take them as tiny launch points to your own discoveries.

Love yourselves-
Love each other-
Love y'all

Kerstin
Camino Frances,  leaving St. Jean Pied de Port France on May 17, 2014 -arriving Santaigo de Compostela, Spain June 29, 2014

scattered but ready

Tonight I find myself looking back over my day - full of making sure I have life's details worked out as an individual, a wife, and a parent (I'm leaving for my solo/1st camino in 5 days time) and I'm feeling so scattered!  It's not 'like' me to feel like this.  I want to (& I imagined I would) feel prepared, confident, and peaceful at this point - yet I find I am worrying about minutia.....will the plants get a drink of water, will the icky things get cleared out of the nether regions of the refrigerator while I'm away....as well as the profound; have I left myself time and space not for packing and weighing and worrying, but for spiritual reflection and guidance before I begin the physical and emotional journey I'm so close to getting started on?  Like a dream in which I've prepared for a big moment, only to find that I've taken the spotlight in my undies....I'm feeling vulnerable.

It's funny how I can stress about what will be out of my control at home while I'm away- yet still have not have purchased a train ticket from Paris to St Jean Pied de Port on Thursday and I think that'll work itself out.  

Scattered yet ready- Kerstin.

invisibility is underrated

A physically beautiful person, a lovely sunrise or sunset, a magnificent piece of art, amazing architecture, the allure of fresh flowers, a peacock that is gloriously a-courting..... I am grateful for so many things that capture my attention and heighten my senses just for the sake of being beautiful. Yet there is a contrast, a crossroads, a sanctuary or a prison, and when everything lines up just right - a secret and magical place:  that space where one can operate silently and thoroughly and for how short or how long it takes, yet attract no attention.  At nearly 50 with no makeup and my hair in a tie on my head I can operate in that space of invisibility and learn an entirely new story about who I am inside and who I am in relationship to the world.  

Today the story had a happy ending for me.  I began by feeling invisible - I needed help.  Not HUGE help - just retail help as I gathered bits & pieces of gear for my camino.  By outward appearances I fit neither the fit-at-forty-nine-and you're-amazing-so-I'll-help-you look, or the I-don't-have-a-clue-what-I'm-doing look....I was just plain and simple invisible to anyone who might've had the knowledge or desire to assist me.  As I tried on several backpacks and read the literature attached to each one and then used my smart phone to quickly refresh my mind by reading through reviews I had already read  - I began to get fearful then slightly angry that 1) in spite of all of my research, I was still under-confident about my choice and 2) NO ONE CAME TO HELP.  

Well, poor fu*kin' me.  Who is doing this anyhow - them?  The ones who didn't come to help me?  Nope.  (This is for my daughter who'll eventually read this)  "Postura".  It's a word I learned shortly after she turned 18 and had it tattooed on her wrist to remind herself that her attitude determines the quality of each moment in her life as well as her entire life.

In my cloak of invisibility I had a fight  discussion nice visit with myself and my fears - and had to examine then adjust my s*itty attitude in order to complete my tasks with love for myself and for anyone who didn't appear to help me.  I had a funny cartoon thought in my head, imagining that I am at a fork on the path sometime over the next several weeks wondering which to take - waiting on 'customer service' to assist me in my decision..... and, again, I am aware that my journey has begun before I've left my first footprint on the Camino Frances.  Postura, indeed.

Sometimes being invisible is the most direct route from self-pity to glorious consciousness.  And. that. is. beautiful. too.

May I be peaceful, may I be well.  May you be peaceful, may you be well. <3

Kerstin

checkmate

Maybe this happens all of the time and I'm just not as aware of it some of the time - the universal dance of synchronicity.  It's cool.  I've planned for months and months for the trip that is a scant 16 days away as of this writing, and recently I've secretly doubted my commitment, my physical ability, my mental focus.... not as in I'm-not-gonna-do-it; more like whoa - I'm almost there and I'm feeling nervous about what I'll find that is outside of my current comfort zone.

I have spent this past weekend happily running my little jewelry booth with a couple of friends helping me at a large annual festival in Fayetteville, NC.  It's a blur of activity: meeting and greeting strangers and old friends alike in a festive environment.  Each year I attend this event, I run into people I truly enjoy and after we share a joyous hug and quickly catch up with the bullet points of each others lives since last year's event, we always say something like - why don't we make time to be together more often?  This year - yesterday - I ran into two particular women I haven't seen in many years - old friends I'd become estranged from for hazy and at this point in time unimportant reasons - and I felt this beautiful surge of love and happiness.  My hands were full of lunch for three from a vendor who had only foil - no bags - and I improvised upon seeing them with necky air-hugs including an air kiss to the cheek since my arms were too employed to use for embracing.   It could've been a tense hi-how-have-you-been now I have nothing else to say, or worse - I see you coming and avert my eyes and pretend I never saw you; instead I felt this surge of happiness as soon as I saw them walking in my direction and I understood without a second thought that there are so many 'stories' that we've convinced ourselves are true yet in the end simply don't matter - it's the story of love matters.  And -  in loving ourselves, we love all and are capable of nearly anything.

Checkmate.

A little later yesterday afternoon I was standing in back of my festival tent - out of view from anyone entering while my friends/helpers ran things, and one of them stuck her head around the back wall and said, "there's a man who wants to meet the artist".  So I stepped back in.  I introduced myself, and he introduced himself and his lady to me.  We talked about my jewelry and he was getting at wanting to contact me for custom work.  I said to him that I would be out of the country shortly til mid-July, lest he try and contact me and find me absent :).  This led to questions, which led to the Camino de Santiago WHICH THEY HAVE DONE which led me to blurt out a very personal question of a perfect stranger - What were your personal reasons for wanting to walk your pilgrimage?  Wait.  Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?  That was totally backwards. ..... Yes, I'd be happy to tell you why.  And he did, adding all of the potential amazing moments I'll have personally, spiritually, and as one sharing the experience with strangers that will become a part of my heart. Looking back, it was as if the Universe conspired to lend it's loving voice to my doubts in such a beautiful, tangible, human and personal way.

Checkmate.

Did I mention I'm leaving in 16 days?  <3

Share your love -
Kerstin

28 days

'You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  You're on your own.  And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go....'  ~ Dr. Seuss

I looked at the calendar tonight and realized that at this very time twenty eight days from now God-willing, I'll be flying over the ocean with my faith, my fears, and my little-ol-backpack for the longest walk I've ever walked :).  I'm ready.  I'm scared.  I'm elated.  I'm curious.  I'm leaving in 28 days!!!!

Thanks for questioning me; thanks for encouraging me.  Just, thanks :)

love Kerstin

thank you

"Thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you, thank you silence."  I heard Thank You by Alanis Morrisette the other day and it brought tears to my eyes.  In frailty I've found strength and courage, in consequence I've found commitment and responsibility and I am learning to find more in silence than just peacefulness.   There is an awareness found in silence that lengthens and relaxes my breath; there is a place I've found inside where once in awhile it is possible to stop the endless thoughts of how I can 'improve' and just be thankful to be.

It's a little less than six weeks until I leave for Europe and my camino.  The planning and preparation seem like such a long long time - I'm ready!  I have lists for myself and my pack and more importantly, I have a deep sense of purpose and trust that inspite of my lists I will find what I need and what I find probably won't be carried on my back but in my heart.  I would be lying if I said that I have no fear; I do, and that fear drives me to walk in the same way as desire does.

"Thank you providence, thank you disillusionment, thank you nothingness, thank you clarity, thank you thank you silence"

Peace,
Kerstin

deadlines & details

I never imagined that I would be somewhere inside of the process of making hundreds of pieces of jewelry.  It doesn't seem that long ago that I made one pair of earrings or piece of jewelry now and then to satisfy my personal craving for something new.  Deadlines are a love/hate experience:  I'm grateful to have one, yet selfishly I want to savor the creative part of creating away from any kind of time frame.  At the end of the day, I have a show in South Carolina the end of this month, and the Dogwood Festival the end of April -  and I'm the one one who signed up for both.  It's both deeply satisfying and really time consuming.  I imagine and operate from the goal of a total of roughly 700 items created with creativity and craftsmanship over the next weeks.  (It's what I want/wanted, and I'm blessed!)

Time is generous, and time is impatient.

Simultaneously, I am planning more to the detail my pilgrimage across Spain, and it's coming up so quickly!  What backpack; 20, 35, 40, or 45 litres?  Is 3 pr of socks good for a rotation for 6 weeks?  Am I being indulgent to pack 4 pr of underpants?  (how much do underpants weigh, anyhow?)  Can I get a limited amount of International Phone Time from my mobile provider or do I need to get a temporary way of communicating with Mat if necessary - will my debit card work there? .......  Should I cut off a piece of bar soap so I carry only a percentage of the weight, will I need just a liner bag or a full sleeping bag... I know for sure that the weight of a guidebook is sheer indulgence given how well the Way is marked - but do I want to tear out particular pages and add them to my pack? Aaaahhhhh!!!!!! The details in this scenario as well as just about any other scenario in life are what threaten to diminish my beautiful experience as Kerstin Ruth Hanson.  Why do people go on a Pilgrimage; a journey of personal discovery; a Spiritual experience... I don't know about anyone else but -  I'm working on trusting that all will be always as it's supposed to be.  Amen.

I am learning to trust that whatever I need when I need it will be provided whether it's physical, emotional, spiritual or intellectual.  And it's inside of a two-dimensional experience of being tied to what I said I wanted while I'm also preparing for what I know nothing about.  It's all part of a crazy little thing we call life.  And we are supposed to live it.  

Be well, be kind, be loving, be happy.

Kerstin